Your Solar System Disgusts Me

I recently returned from a trip back to Orion. I engaged in the normal aging ritual, and after spending the ensuing months regurgitating the ash shoved deep within my thorax that night, I headed back to your home world.

For those of you who've never descended on the solar system from interstellar space (and at last count, only three of you have), it's hard to convey the sense of disappointment that washes over a visitor.

Orion is part of a proper binary star system. In Earthling terms, that means "two bright circles in the sky." As my ship raced towards your Sun, all I could think about was how isolated, fragile and low-rent it all looked. The fact that you can hold onto eight planets is nothing short of a miracle.

Part of the reason you get so few alien tourists is location, location, location. The first four planets a traveler comes across are gas giants. "Look, kids, another ball of stinky methane. Roll down the window and take a picture!" Mars is OK as far as freezing wastelands go, but the you have to dodge asteroids.

Finally you come across Earth. The deep blue oceans, verdant forests and towering mountains are refreshing at first - until you realize there's life down there. Seriously, it would be a tolerable place to spend the summer if the risk of a sweaty guy with a camera blowing your cover weren't so high.

So here I am - back to chronicle your planet. To be honest, and I rarely am with all of you, I'll probably spend most of the time playing Halo.

All hail Zzyzx! ::) Yep, four eyes. Deal with it, you binocular bastards.

Earthlings and Their Affections

News of your comrades "Rihanna" and "Chris Brown" has greatly puzzled the citizens of Orion. While we are a species infected with an unbelievable rage, we rarely turn on each other because of the truly hideous defenses we've evolved.

For instance, if I ever "bitch slapped" my mating partner with a swift tentacle to the face, she'd likely unhinge her reproductive orifice and absorb me into her womb, where my innards would be quickly repurposed as the building blocks of her next brood. So we have a great deal of respect for one another.

Your rage will have no bearing on our invasion plans. We've found that the most muscular amongst you are also the most susceptible to being distracted by shiny objects. The conquest will be over before you can raise a hand against us. Surrender your dreams and prepare for a life of silent servitude! To the workers of Wal-Mart, you may not notice much of a difference.

Hail Zzyzx!

Observing Your Academy Awards

While I usually reserve all day Sunday to shed my exoskeleton, I plan on "tuning in" to your Academy Awards celebration.

The best I can tell it is the night you honor the females with the biggest mammary glands, and males with the most stylized haircuts.

Your actors are of interest to my comrades on Orion because they seem to have a deep understanding of that ridiculous thing you call "emotion."

On my home planet we have only one "emotion," and it is anger - though we sometimes approach satisfaction after a particularly successful asexual duplication.

I have not seen any of the films nominated, but I am pulling for Mickey Rourke. He bares a striking resemblance to my brother when he was in his first gestational phase. If Mr. Rourke should slip out of his skin and devour the press corp, don't say I didn't warn you.

That is all for tonight. I must awaken early to begin the shedding process, and pick up some chips and dip so I can "vegge out" watching the festivities.

Hail Zzyzx!

Hail Zzyzx!

Congratulations! If you're reading my words it means your brain has not yet turned to soup like most of your other "advanced" ape brethren! 

Allow me to introduce myself - I'll try and keep it short so you can go back to watching TMZ and sipping the milk/bean drinks you seem to have such an affinity for.

I am Zzyzx, Future Overlord of this insignificant, wet rock you call "Earth." In fact, my acknowledging your run-down chunk of nickel and iron is probably the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you all!

I come from an inconceivably advanced - and pleasantly fragrant - world known as Orion, which is located in the Andromeda Galaxy. Never heard of it? Perhaps if you pulled yourself away from that telenovela you'd gain some appreciation for the 17 known civilizations that surround you - and mostly laugh at your shortcomings.

I've started this blog to try and weed out the most intelligent among you before the upcoming invasion begins. Your best minds will serve us well as hydro-incubation technicians and C-Class engineers.

That may sound fancy to your protruding ears, but I can assure you that both are positions comparable to your average burger flipper - with the exception that you'll be compensated with Neptunian slugs instead of coinage. The upside is that our greasy, edible slugs hold their value better than your currency. 

I'll also be documenting my study of human behavior - mostly for the amusement of my comrades back on Orion. We find your emotional swings delightful, and laugh at your clumsy and sweaty attempts at mating. 

You can try and tip off the authorities, but I assure you that they have been compromised at the highest levels. Let's just say your current Overlord Obama will certainly deliver on his promise of change.

So sit back, relax, and wait for the beings of Orion to descend from your smog-filled skies, raid your pizzerias, and establish an absolute, slightly homo-erotic, dictatorship across your entire world! 

Zz, zz, zz! Oh, I forgot to tell you - that's how we laugh on Orion!