Allow me to introduce myself - I'll try and keep it short so you can go back to watching TMZ and sipping the milk/bean drinks you seem to have such an affinity for.
I am Zzyzx, Future Overlord of this insignificant, wet rock you call "Earth." In fact, my acknowledging your run-down chunk of nickel and iron is probably the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you all!
I come from an inconceivably advanced - and pleasantly fragrant - world known as Orion, which is located in the Andromeda Galaxy. Never heard of it? Perhaps if you pulled yourself away from that telenovela you'd gain some appreciation for the 17 known civilizations that surround you - and mostly laugh at your shortcomings.
I've started this blog to try and weed out the most intelligent among you before the upcoming invasion begins. Your best minds will serve us well as hydro-incubation technicians and C-Class engineers.
That may sound fancy to your protruding ears, but I can assure you that both are positions comparable to your average burger flipper - with the exception that you'll be compensated with Neptunian slugs instead of coinage. The upside is that our greasy, edible slugs hold their value better than your currency.
I'll also be documenting my study of human behavior - mostly for the amusement of my comrades back on Orion. We find your emotional swings delightful, and laugh at your clumsy and sweaty attempts at mating.
You can try and tip off the authorities, but I assure you that they have been compromised at the highest levels. Let's just say your current Overlord Obama will certainly deliver on his promise of change.
So sit back, relax, and wait for the beings of Orion to descend from your smog-filled skies, raid your pizzerias, and establish an absolute, slightly homo-erotic, dictatorship across your entire world!
Zz, zz, zz! Oh, I forgot to tell you - that's how we laugh on Orion!
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